Horoscope November 2025: Cheeky, Wicked, And Damn Accurate

A horoscope for everyone who can handle a bit of dark humor.

Your brutally honest (and sarcastic) horoscope for November 2025. Welcome to November 2025, dear stargazers!

The month in which the universe decided to show us all who’s boss.

With a super full moon in Aries on November 5th and a new moon in Scorpio on November 20th, we can look forward to cosmic antics.

Oh yeah, and Mercury goes retrograde from November 9th to 29th – as if we didn’t have enough chaos already. But hey, at least we’re getting a show!

Horoscope Aries

Hey you little battering ram, ready for November? You’re charging into the month as always – head first, brain optional.

Your full moon on November 5th will give you extra energy, but honestly: as if you need it. You already have enough to run a small power plant.

Your impatience is legendary, and in November it becomes an art form. You want everything, and you want it yesterday. The problem? The world doesn’t move on your clock. Shock!

Mercury retrograde from November 9th is like a cosmic speed bumper – installed especially for you. Maybe try not to take every obstacle personally. Just a thought.

In love: Your flirting is as subtle as a jackhammer. You think you’re sending romantic signals, but actually you sound like someone going through a job interview. “Do you want to be my girlfriend? Yes or no? I need an answer by Wednesday.” Try less drama and more… well, everything else.

Professionally: You’re bursting with ideas, but your communication is like a radio with poor reception – lots of static, little substance. Your colleagues nod politely but only understand half of what you’re saying. Tip: Speak more slowly, explain more, gesture less.

Health: Your energy level is like an energy drink on steroids. Don’t forget that even superheroes need to sleep. Even if you think sleep is for weaklings.

Monthly motto: “Sometimes the detour is the fastest way – even if that contradicts your ego-driven highway.”

Horoscope Zodiac Sign Taurus

Taurus, you’re approaching November like a gourmet dinner – full of anticipation, but also skeptical whether the dessert will live up to its promise. Spoiler alert: It’s going to be complicated. You crave stability, but the universe serves up change. Just like always.

You’re the type of person who talks about retirement on the first date. You’re predictable, but not exactly spontaneous.

November brings you surprising twists and turns, and your first instinct is: “Nah, forget it, I don’t like surprises.” Tough luck – the universe doesn’t ask for your opinion.

In love: You want security, your partner wants adventure. It’s like pizza versus sushi – both are good, but difficult to combine. You analyze relationships like

Stock portfolios: risk-benefit analysis, long-term forecasts, safety mechanisms. Romantic as fuck, Taurus.

Professionally: Money is important, yes. But maybe you don’t need to scrutinize every penny three times before spending it. Your financial caution borders on paranoia. “What if I run out of money?” – Taurus, you have an emergency fund for your emergency fund.

Health: Pamper yourself without feeling guilty. Yes, you’re allowed to be spontaneous sometimes. It’s not illegal.

Monthly motto: “Flexibility is not the enemy of stability – sometimes it is its best friend.”

Horoscope Zodiac Sign Gemini

Gemini, you enter November like an overcrowded chat room – everywhere at once, but nowhere quite right. Your mouths are racing, while your brains still need their coffee.

Mercury goes retrograde on November 9th, and right in your communications sector. It’s like cutting off an addict’s internet access.

You talk. A lot. Sometimes too much. Your opinions on everything and everyone are like a 24-hour news channel – informative, but exhausting. Mercury retrograde is your chance to learn that silence is sometimes more golden than any monologue.

In love: You juggle words like a circus performer with flaming torches. Impressive, but dangerous. Sometimes a remark lands as a charming observation, sometimes as a minor disaster. Pro tip: Talk less, listen more. Radical, I know.

Professionally: Meetings with you are like improvisational theater – you never know what’s coming next. Your creativity is undeniable, but your attention span… well, let’s just say it’s not great. “Where were we?” is your favorite phrase.

Health: Your brain needs a break. Meditation could help, but who has time for that when there’s so much to talk about?

Monthly motto: “Sometimes the pause between words says more than a thousand words.”

Cancer zodiac sign

Cancer, your November feels like an emotional rollercoaster without a seatbelt. You crave comfort, but life demands drama. Your feelings are like the weather in April – unpredictable and slightly over the top.

You’re experiencing November with the emotional intensity of a telenovela protagonist. Everything is important, everything is meaningful, everything is a sign. Sometimes, a broken Wi-Fi connection is just broken Wi-Fi and not some cosmic message about your connection to the world.

In love: You love with the intensity of a thousand suns, but sometimes that’s a bit… much. Your partner doesn’t need to share every thought with you to prove they love you. Sometimes they just think about football. Or nothing at all. Men can do that.

Professionally: You take everything personally. The boss was in a bad mood? Must be you. The coffee machine is broken? Clearly a sign that you should change jobs. Cancer, not everything revolves around you. Sometimes the world is just in a bad mood.

Health: Your mood depends on the moon’s phase like a werewolf’s. Accept that you’re emotional – that’s okay. But maybe you don’t need to share every feeling with the whole world.

Monthly motto: “Sometimes a storm is just a storm – not always a life drama.”

Leo horoscope

Leo, you want to shine in November, but the spotlight is flickering. Not everyone is applauding; some are simply tired. You’re used to being the center of attention, but November 2025 has other plans.

You’re expecting a standing ovation, but you get polite applause. That stings your ego like fingernails on a chalkboard. You interpret the lack of enthusiasm as a personal attack. Sometimes people are just preoccupied with their own stuff, Leo.

In love: You want a partner who adores you. Problem: Most people have their own lives. Shocking, I know. You could try showing interest in others without having to be the center of attention.

Professionally: You want to be the star, but teamwork sometimes means letting others shine too. That’s not the end of the world, it’s collaboration. Radical, but true.

Health: Your ego sometimes needs a diet. Not every situation has to become your personal stage.

Monthly motto: “True greatness is shown in allowing others to grow – even when it hurts.”

Virgo zodiac sign

Virgo, you’re going into November like someone who wears a white shirt and immediately gets a stain. You crave perfection, but the universe delivers chaos with an extra dose of drama. Mercury goes retrograde on November 9th – your personal nightmare is about to come true.

You have a plan for everything, but November follows its own script. You’re constantly correcting others, even when they haven’t asked for your opinion.

“Actually, it’s like this…” is your favorite phrase. The world is messy, Virgo. That’s not a flaw in the system—that IS the system.

In matters of love: You analyze relationships like an Excel spreadsheet. Pros and cons lists, compatibility tests, long-term forecasts. Romance is an optimization project for you. Sometimes love is simply chaotic and irrational. That’s what makes it human.

Professionally: You do everything perfectly, but it takes you three times as long as others. Efficiency vs. perfection – the eternal struggle. Sometimes, “good enough” really is good enough.

Health: Just relax. The world won’t end if you don’t try to control everything. I promise.

Monthly motto: “Perfection is the enemy of ‘getting it done’ – sometimes B+ is better than A+ with burnout.”

Horoscope Zodiac sign Libra

Libra, you’re starting November with your usual decision paralysis. Left, right, straight ahead – everything could be right, so you decide on… nothing. Same old story.

You weigh things up like a gold scale in a storm. Every option has its pros and cons, and you have to think them all through. Three times. November won’t wait for your decision; it just keeps going. Shocking news: Sometimes a quick decision is better than a perfect one.

In love: You crave harmony, but sometimes conflict is necessary for clarity. You avoid difficult conversations like others avoid tax returns. “Can we talk about this when the mood is better?” Libra, the mood will never be perfect.

Professionally: You see all sides of a problem – that’s both a gift and a curse. While you’re still pondering, others have already implemented three solutions. Sometimes action is better than perfection.

Health: Your obsession with balance sometimes makes you unbalanced. The irony of fate.

Monthly motto: “Sometimes the path between two chairs leads directly to your backside – stand up and choose a chair.”

Horoscope Zodiac Sign Scorpio

Scorpio, November is your month, and you’re approaching this like a detective investigating a murder case. Everything is suspicious, everyone is hiding something, and you’ll uncover the truth—even if it kills you. With the new moon in your sign on November 20th, things will get really intense.

You’re experiencing November with the depth of the Mariana Trench and the intensity of an interrogation. Small talk is like kryptonite to you—superficial and painful. You want to uncover the big secrets, but sometimes your neighbor is just hiding their shoddy gardening.

In love: You love like a volcano – hot, explosive, and occasionally destructive. You want to explore your partner’s soul down to the last detail. Problem: Some people are simply… superficial. This isn’t always a mask – sometimes there really is nothing more to it.

Professionally: You see conspiracies where others only see poor organization. Your paranoia is sometimes justified, but more often exaggerated. Not everyone is against you – some are simply incompetent.

Health: Your emotional intensity is like a pressure cooker. Let off some steam every now and then before you explode.

Monthly motto: “Sometimes a secret is simply forgotten information – not always a conspiracy.”

Sagittarius horoscope

Sagittarius, you’re galloping into November like a wild horse without GPS. Your optimism is contagious, but your sense of direction… well, let’s just say it’s not great. You see adventure everywhere, even where it’s just the mundane.

You’re planning three trips around the world, two career changes, and a spiritual awakening – all for this month. Your plans are bigger than your budget and more ambitious than your attention span.

Mercury will go retrograde in your sign from November 9th – the universe is saying: “Slow down, cowboy.”

In love: You’re looking for a partner for your adventures, but most people have commitments like work, family, or mortgages. You promise the world and forget that some people just want a quiet evening on the couch.

Professionally: Your visions are grand, your execution… could be improved. You start a thousand projects and finish ten. That’s not a bad thing, but perhaps you could actually finish one before starting the next.

Health: Your enthusiasm is like an energy drink – great for a short time, but the side effects are severe. Make sure to schedule breaks.

Monthly motto: “The world is waiting for you – but it hasn’t run away if you take a break.”

Horoscope Zodiac sign Capricorn

Capricorn, you’re climbing November like a mountain – methodically, persistently, and with all the charm of a tax return. You have a plan, a backup plan, and a plan in case the backup plan fails.

You work like a mole – quietly, reliably, and mostly invisibly. Your colleagues don’t even realize how much you accomplish because you don’t boast about it. That’s admirable, but sometimes a little self-promotion wouldn’t hurt.

In love: You approach relationships like a business project – defining goals, setting milestones, calculating ROI. Romance is a well-planned event for you; spontaneity is a foreign concept. Sometimes love is simply chaos – and that’s okay.

Professionally: You’re the rock in a storm, the reliable colleague, the guy who’s always there. That’s great, but don’t forget that you’re also allowed to say “no” sometimes. You’re not the janitor for all problems.

Health: Breaks are not optional, even if your to-do list says otherwise. Relaxation is not a sign of weakness.

Monthly motto: “Rome wasn’t built in a day – and neither is your life goal. Relax.”

Horoscope Zodiac sign Aquarius

Aquarius, you enter November like an alien visiting Earth for the first time. Everything is interesting, nothing is normal, and you don’t understand why everyone pretends that everyday life is okay.

You want to revolutionize the world, but first you need to figure out where you put your keys. Your ideas are brilliant, your organization… could use some improvement. You think in light-years, but you’re losing touch with reality.

In love: You’re looking for a soulmate on a spiritual level, but sometimes people just want Netflix and chips. You’re philosophizing about the future of humanity while your date is debating whether to grab a kebab together.

Professionally: Your creativity is exploding like popcorn – everywhere and uncontrollably. You have ten flashes of inspiration a day, but no idea how to implement them. A notebook would be a start.

Health: Your eccentricity is charming, but don’t forget that you are also a human body that needs sleep and food.

Monthly motto: “Genius without implementation is like a car without wheels – impressive, but it won’t get you far.”

Horoscope of the zodiac sign Pisces

Pisces, you swim into November as if in an emotional ocean – sometimes on the surface, sometimes in the depths, but mostly disoriented. Your compassion is boundless, your boundaries… could be improved.

You sense everything – every mood, every vibe, every bad day your neighbor has. It’s a gift and a curse. Sometimes, the bad mood around you won’t solve your problem. Shocking, but true.

In love: You give yourselves over like a romantic hero in a movie – totally, unconditionally, and sometimes self-destructively. You lose yourselves so much in love that you forget who you really are. Tip: At least keep your name.

Professionally: Your creativity is like a waterfall – beautiful, but sometimes difficult to control. You have new ideas every day, but no idea which ones are feasible. Structure is your friend, even if it feels like an enemy.

Health: Your boundaries are like fog – there, but hard to see. Learn to say “no” without feeling bad.

Monthly motto: “You can’t save everyone – start with yourself.”

The cosmic conclusion

November 2025 is like a cross between Black Forest cherry cake and a horror movie – sweet, complex, and full of unexpected twists. The full moon on November 5th brings extra drama to all signs, the new moon on November 20th offers a chance for a fresh start (if you’ve survived until then), and Mercury retrograde from November 9th to 29th ensures that nothing goes according to plan.

The universe has a sense of humor – a rather dark one, but still. Don’t take yourselves so seriously, don’t take life so personally, and remember: after November comes December. With Christmas stress. Suddenly, November seems like a vacation.

Have fun surviving, er… living!

In that spirit: Stay sarcastic, stay real – and don’t forget that even the stars are sometimes just in a bad mood.