I loved you with all my heart even though you were toxic

I know you are thinking. You tell yourself that I have completely abandoned you and that I only care about myself.

You might think I don’t care about you because of my behaviour lately. Because I abandoned you. Because I left you to rot on your own.

But you don’t get the big picture. You lack perspective. Yes, you forget everything we’ve been through together. You focus on the last few weeks and ignore the last years.

I’ve spent so much time giving you chances, watching you make the exact same mistakes again, and then giving you even more chances. J

I have been by your side for so long. And I gave you the benefit of the doubt when deep down I knew you didn’t deserve it. I let you lie to me. I let you manipulate me. And I let you hurt me.

You were toxic but I loved you anyway. When everyone said you were a liar, a manipulator, an immature man, I stood up for you.

Yes, I have found justifications for your egotistical, rude and even violent behavior. Come to think of it, I was making excuses for everything. Clearly, you could literally step on me, without me flinching.

I loved you and I believed you when you said you loved me too

Yet your actions have never been sincere proof of your love. You acted like I was boring you, like spending time with me was a chore to cross off your list.

In fact, you never bothered to do anything special for me, unless you wanted something in return. You behaved like a asshole, you pretended to apologize and I forgave you.

And this merry-go-round was going in circles. Again and again…

You were toxic but I loved you anyway, because of my insecurities. You made my fears worse. And you made me feel very small. But I didn’t dare leave you. Indeed, I was afraid of never finding a partner who would love me again.

Yeah, I really thought what we had was love. What a fool I was!

I thought you were a saint to have the strength to support me; me, all my faults and all my whims. In my head, I was the worst partner. I was a worthless woman.

You only made the minimum effort, but I still thought you were giving me more than I deserved.

You were toxic but I loved you anyway, because I couldn’t see the real you. I couldn’t believe that a person so close to me could be so cruel.

So I painted a different picture of you in my mind. I was in total denial! 

After a while, your behavior became normal.

Indeed, I had gotten so used to it that it felt natural. I didn’t realize there was something wrong with the way you acted because that was what I used to see. I didn’t know any more.

You were toxic but I loved you anyway, because you changed over time. Yes, you weren’t always an unhealthy man. You have become someone unknown over time.

But instead of running away from this new person, I clung to the memory of the old you.

Indeed, I couldn’t forget the person who treated me well, who loved me in return. I wanted to believe that if you could change once, you could change again.

You were toxic but I loved you anyway, because I felt like it was the right thing to do. The idea of ​​leaving has never crossed my mind because our history has linked us. I thought we were sincere when we said “forever”.

But I was wrong. At least, in part … Indeed, I loved you. But you, you only loved yourself. You wanted to keep me by your side so you wouldn’t be alone. You wanted me to be your lifeline.

So, in your mind, I was never a priority, a woman you envisioned spending the rest of your life with.

You offered me care and love when you had no one else to spend time with.

When your friends were busy or you were bored, you would turn to me. But you never talked about the future and you never mentioned the possibility of a serious commitment.

And that should have put the chip in my ear. I should have opened my eyes and closed my heart to see the truth. I realize that my logic had abandoned me because I was blinded by the love I had for you.

But all that is over! You were toxic and I loved you anyway. But now it’s time to learn to love myself, to respect myself. It’s time for me to choose myself!

Indeed, now I bid you farewell. It took me a long time to get there. I spent long nights crying over my sad fate.

Not because I realized we had to go our separate ways, but because I had been stupid for too long. I let you put me down.

But it’s over ! I take back the power. I refuse to let you destroy me completely. Now watch me go cause this is the last time you will see me.