What if what you’re experiencing right now is conditional love? What if it’s ruining your life without you even realizing it?
We are so often convinced of a person’s love because we’re afraid to face the truth, so we stay in toxic relationships, unwilling to seek something else.
Well, that’s what I’m here for. I want to show you all the signs of conditional love, and how you should deal with it in a way that’s most beneficial to you.
So, my fellow reader, scroll down and find your truth!
What Is Conditional Love?
According to the Cambridge dictionary, when something is conditional, it ”depends on something else being done.” Love can be observed in the same manner.
Essentially, conditional love is one that is alive only as long as certain wishes and needs are being fulfilled. When those needs are unmet, love disappears along with them.
Think about it. Why do you love the people in your life? Do they benefit you in any way? Would you still love them if they were no longer beneficial to you?
Benefits come in different forms
Perhaps you care about someone because they never refuse to lend you a hand or, perhaps you enjoy having someone to spill all your secrets to.
In any case, they have something that makes you cling to them.
For instance, I only recently accepted that a friend remained by my side only because I understood her well. She would write me long messages about what was bothering her, yet not once did she ask me out for coffee.
It took me a while to realize that I was worthy of her time only when she needed comfort and reassurance.
This is why you should question your own reasons. Determine why you’re holding onto someone, and vice versa. Conditions aren’t always bad, but you should make sure that you’re not just being selfish and taking advantage of someone, or the other way around.
Conditional VS. Unconditional Love: 10 Key Differences
It’s not always easy to determine whether someone loves you conditionally or not. Oftentimes, you refuse to be honest with yourself, especially when it’s a significant other whom you adore, or a family member who you believe is meant to love you forever.
But, the sad truth is that such a toxic relationship is more common than you think, and it is very distinguishable from real love.
If you’re unsure what to look for, let these signs of conditional love guide you:
Asking for too much
Do you ever feel like you’re just not good enough? Do you feel like you’re somehow doing everything wrong?
If so, that can be a sign of conditional love.
When you experience true love, on the other hand, it is never chaotic, but rather peaceful. Even when you question its nature, the other person is always there to reassure you that everything is okay.
So, don’t you accept anything less than that!
Exhaustion as a constant companion
You may be experiencing conditional love if your loved one drains you of energy beyond comparison. Being your true self is never an option because every time they’ve seen a glimpse of it, they’ve offered nothing but rejection.
This is why you need to hold onto someone who not only accepts, but also encourages you to be exactly who you are.
Isn’t that what we should all be looking for in a romantic relationship?
Another sign of conditional love is when they aren’t at all interested in sharing your happiness. They appear to be either indifferent or jealous.
When it’s a case of unconditional love, on the other hand, as soon as they see the smile on your face, that is reason enough for them to rejoice, too. Cherish such people, and reject everyone with opposite inclinations.
Lonely despite not being alone
Someone who loves you conditionally will not care that you’re sad. They will probably try to distance themselves as much as they can because they don’t want you to ”ruin the mood.”
Or, on the contrary, they might be there in your time of need, but abandon you when you’re happy. This is even more common than people think.
What you should strive for is the kind of love that offers you friendship. After all, a truly loving relationship is impossible without it, isn’t it?
Disregarding your feelings
Is this person more fixated on winning the argument than solving the problem? How do they act after they have hurt you? Are they not interested in making you feel better at all?
If so, that’s the perfect example of conditional love. This kind of person will turn everything into a competition. Make sure to never allow someone like that in your life.
Instead, search for someone who will genuinely care about your well-being; someone who will do everything in their power for you to be happy.
Trust me, they do exist.
Your intuition warning you
In reality, when someone doesn’t truly love you, you can always feel it. There’s just something ‘off’; something insincere hovering in the air…
Even their ‘I love you’s’ seem like empty words devoid of any meaning. Everything is sort of forced… or nonexistent altogether…
You know love is not supposed to feel this way. You know your soul is supposed to roam free and be unafraid of judgment…
Therefore, pay close attention to how they treat you, and even more importantly, how you feel in their presence. Trust your own feelings. They will tell you all you need to know.
Disrespectful towards your decisions
Is every decision you make criticized? Do you never get genuine support from your loved one?
Well, then I’m afraid you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t hold much affection for you. This kind of love will destroy you by making you feel both incapable and alone.
Don’t let it.
What you want is undying love that will instill confidence and courage in you all the while never making you feel like you have to tread this world alone.
No other choice but to stay silent
When you sense that your opinions are unappreciated and unwelcome, you won’t even express them anymore. You are afraid you will be misunderstood yet again.
When you feel that unsafe in someone’s presence, that’s a MAJOR red flag. Flee before it is too late…
Flee, and find the type of love that will never jeopardize your mental health in such a way. The person who is deserving of you will listen to you with great interest, and will always eagerly anticipate what you have to say.
You VS. them
When you have a problem with them, the goal is never to solve it, but rather to prove which one of you is right. The peace in the relationship doesn’t matter, your feelings don’t matter… The only thing that does matter is them proving their point.
Please, as soon as you detect this trait, run as fast as you can. This type of person will bring nothing but misery in your life.
You need someone gentle; someone who will team up with you to get to the root of the issue. Don’t think that they’re unreal. They’re just waiting for you to be ready to find them.
Unlovable… or just not loved by them?
When you are in a conditional relationship of any kind, you are bound to feel unlovable. This person will never take your needs into consideration, so you will eventually start believing them to be irrelevant yourself.
What you need to understand is that just because this person doesn’t love you doesn’t mean nobody ever will. Don’t let someone this toxic stay in your life. You deserve so much more than that.
And, remember – ”No one but you is allowed to dictate what you’re worth.” – Anne Shirley Cuthbert, Anne With An ‘E’
Is Conditional Love Bad?
Having standards for any kind of relationship isn’t a bad thing. It means that you respect and love yourself enough to only enter relationships that will truly fulfill you.
People often set boundaries and state their needs clearly in order to maintain a healthy relationship. This is how it should be. It is okay to have needs as long as you respect the other person as well. Love doesn’t have to be unconditional to be real.
Imagine a situation where you are physically or emotionally abused. The other person never gives you a moment of peace.
Should you really forgive them each time only for the sake of unconditional love?
Not quite, right?
What Is Toxic Conditional Love?
Conditional love becomes toxic the moment you start treating the other person as a slave who exists to cater to your needs.
You don’t understand the true value of love, but rather disrespect them and everything they have to offer. Enjoying their company has never been your motivation, but rather, it is persuading them to be who you wish them to be.
You never care about what they need unless it concerns you in some way. They aren’t a person; just a pawn in your game.
If a person comes to mind while you’re reading this, or if you’re the one who identifies with this type of behavior, I hope you realize how wrong it is, and abandon your ways (or those who harm you by loving you conditionally).
What Are The Consequences Of Conditional Love?
Conditional love is as cursed as it sounds, and it brings with it terrible effects. Once those effects take place, it is not easy to get rid of them, but it’s not impossible either.
First, though, you need to determine what they are. After all, the solution to every problem hides in its source.
So, here are some possible consequences of this type of love you might want to ruminate about:
• low self-esteem that comes from a lack of support and understanding
• people-pleasing tendencies derived from toxic parent-child relationships where the child felt unsafe to express their needs
• the belief that there is something wrong with you because you’ve never been treated gently
• an unfruitful love life because you continue being with those undeserving of you
The bottom line is that you ARE capable of remedying these effects. You are capable of pretty much anything.
How Do You Deal With Conditional Love?
You don’t. You simply leave.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but you deserve an epic love that will give you courage and make you feel like you’ve found your place in the world.
Anyone who denies you that isn’t worthy of your time no matter how much you love them. Walk away for your own sake. Learn to love yourself.
Don’t waste your time
Think about it. You’re out there devoting your time to someone who’s not meant to be yours, while life silently passes you by. And then, one day, you stop and realize how much time you have lost. Don’t bring such misfortune upon yourself!
There is always a pure heart out there that is ready to truly love you… if you only let them. But, we often cling to people who don’t reciprocate our feelings with the same intensity all the while missing opportunities of great love.
Self-love is key
Start by realizing your own worth. I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but practice self-love in small doses.
Put on an inspiring playlist, use positive self-affirmations, and entirely reframe your mindset.
Don’t ask yourself: ”Why do they treat me this way,” but rather ”Why do I allow them to?,” and observe your life alter slowly… until you are finally able to say ”I don’t want you anymore because I deserve better.”
Well, you indeed do.
Does Unconditional Love Exist?
It most certainly does.
You can find it in many parent-child relationships where the loving parents so selflessly take care of their little ones.
You can also witness it in long-term romantic relationships where couples choose to fight for each other instead of succumbing to the despair that problems bring.
Any type of love that makes you love yourself is unconditional.
Uncover new paths
If you happen to think that unconditional love is nothing more than an illusion, that’s simply because you haven’t experienced it… yet.
So, I truly hope you will abandon such beliefs because they can be strong enough to prevent you from ever finding true love. Having unwavering faith, on the other hand, is the first step towards it.
Moreover, beware that you don’t follow old patterns. We often tend to seek someone who resembles a past love in hope that this time, it will be different… but, alas, it won’t!
Instead, only seek qualities that will make up a truly fulfilling relationship, and you’ll see… how it has always been possible if you’d only believed…
So, let it be and trust the universe.
Conditional VS. Unconditional Love Quotes
1. ”My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I’m well aware, as winter changes the trees.
My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff!” – Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
2. ”A conditional love is nothing but an infatuation. Unconditional is the only way love can be.
Wherever a condition comes in, love disappears. It cannot live in bondage, and a condition gives it an imprisonment. Love can only live like the vast sky.” – Rajneesh
3. “I know what I signed up for, Damon, and I’m all in.” – Elena Gilbert, The Vampire Diaries
4. ”If you couldn’t love me from the start, then why did you awake my sleeping heart?” – Eliza Griswold
5. “Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own: in pain and sickness, it would still be dear. Your mind is my treasure, and if it were broken, it would be my treasure still.” – Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
6. ”People do not see you. They invent you and accuse you.” – Hélène Cixous
7. ”Unconditional love will have the final word in reality.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
8. ”One day, someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved, and you won’t have to fight for it.” – Ruby Dhal
9. ”It’s so easy to play the heart that decorates cruel words as romance, and blood stains as art.” – Unknown
10. ”You’re not selfish for wanting to be treated well.” – Jason Momoa
I hope that now, you’re not only able to recognize conditional love, but rather, able to reject it altogether.
Why should you need it? Why should you let anyone treat you as if you’re unworthy when you so clearly deserve the world?
It is your obligation to build a beautiful life for yourself filled with people who bring nothing but happiness and joy. Take it seriously. So much depends on it.